creative writing- comedy

Essay text:

(If crowd applause) well, I bet that's the only time it's good to get clap, am gonna try to suck so I get another applause when I'm been thrown off the stage. I'm scared to half to death, but what happens if you get scared to half to death twice? Does anyone remember reading about a drug bust in Hackenthorpe in the paper? Well suppose not because it was in the Sheffield star and not the daily sport, but one of the houses that got raided was my mother's house. Get this, she got raided by the police for allegedly selling crack, I'd have never guessed my mum was a ho, and if she is she just must have the same policy as floors 2 go lay now pay later cos she's always skint, but I do love my mum it's just the area she lives in She lives in one of these houses with the flat roofs and when it rains you should see the fucking bend in it, the council put her rent up every time we have heavy rain for the use of a council swimming pool And the other kids who live on the same estate there a walking fucking advertisement for Nike TN clothing, kind of like Chav's but we call em TN warriors, have you heard that phrase before? There the kids in the tracksuits n baseball caps who hang around outside the CO-OP , well this estate is full of em, who sit outside my mums house passing a fag around a group of 7 of them like it's some kind of killer joint, and you can just be walking down the road and they'll say "look at you thinking you're a rude boy" and it's like hey buddy your the one with your hands down your pants and wearing half the range of Elizabeth Duke jewellery on your fingers, and they say shit to you like "you shouldn't even be on dis estate, you know" so I like to fuck around with them and throw in big words while im speaking to em like that's a bit condescending isn't it? And they'll all be looking confused and look at each other until one of them says "why you talking to us as if were fik?" So you'll have to dumb it down so they get it, or even change the phrase completely like "why you taking the piss?" and they'll still look confused "why you taking the piss? Innit!" then they'll understand "cos it's our estate man" yeah I like what you've done with the place, it's very fitting And my younger brother he isn't that clever either it turns out the crack the cops did find was his, I didn't know he was a hermaphrodite, the drug squad found 8 grand's worth of crack in his bedroom, apparently he was being paid to save it for someone, what a great job he did, so I asked him where he hid it, and he showed me this box he kept it in, and you know them fake tins of beans you can but from those betterwear magazines that you use to hid money and shit it, then you put them in the cupboard so know one knows any different, well he got a cereal box turned it inside out and drew his own design on it he called his cereal, cereal and his slogan was crack, smack and pot, and he wonders why that's the first placed they looked But bless my mum a day after the raid she got in touch with me and asked me to come round so as a loving son does, after my dad forced me into it, I went round and she asked me if I wanted a sandwich and a cup of tea, then we can go watch cops, I said to her cops is only on sky, she looked at me and said we'll just eat our dinner In the front garden, sure enough we stood on the front and this coppers talking to my brother and without missing a beat my mum turns to me and says "oh it's a repeat" The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard, because I'm the only straight member of my family and I own a few pink t-shirts...